Almost Paradise

I’m in a production of the musical Footloose, which is a fucking fantastic rockin’ show for anyone who hasn’t seen it. I love The Girl Gets Around because I like to think it’s about me. But Almost Paradise always reminds me of the newest object of my affection, so here is my own version of the song to fit him. ❤

Ren:
I thought that dreams belonged to other men
‘Cuz each time I got close
they’d fall apart again

Ariel:
I feared my heart would beat with married men

Both:
I faced the nights alone,
oh how could I have known
That now I’d be here cuddling with you

Oh, almost paradise, we’re knocking on heaven’s door
Almost paradise, how could we ask for more
I swear that I could look forever in your eyes
Paradise

Ariel:
It seems like life’s meaning’s so hard to find
You’re on this journey too,
You really have a clue

Both:
And all these memories of rainy days
They’re finally looking up,
I’ll work them through with you
Now we hold the future in our hands

Oh, almost paradise, we’re knocking on heaven’s door
Almost paradise, how could we ask for more
I swear that I could look forever in your eyes
Paradise

And in your arms salvation’s not so far away
It’s getting closer, closer every day

Almost paradise, we’re knocking on heaven’s door
Almost paradise, how could we ask for more
I swear that I could look forever in your eyes
Paradise, paradise, paradise

Polyamory and a Sports Metaphor

This is absolutely hilarious and true!

Poly Momma

Imagine you have an acquaintance who is a big soccer fan. They play soccer, sing soccer songs and watch soccer. They love soccer and they talk about their soccer team all the time.

One day you tell them that you’re not really into soccer, but you are a sports fan.

“What do you mean, you don’t like soccer? What other sport is there?”

“Well, I like basketball. I play on a local team.”

“Basket ball? What’s that?”

“Well, players try to get a ball into the other team’s basket.”

“Ok, I follow. Like soccer.”

“Yeah, except you bounce the ball with your hands instead of using your feet.”

“Wait, what? You mean you can CHEAT?”

“No, it just has different rules.”

“What do the other players think about that?”

“Well, they all play by the same rules.”

“Maybe you just didn’t commit to soccer. It takes a lot of hard…

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Why fluid-bonded sex is, um, “sticky”

This is almost exactly how safe I strive to be. With knowledge comes shivers. You want to be able to relax and enjoy sex, but you also want to keep safe! Stay safe y’all!

Solo Poly

Yeah, OK, pun intended. Couldn’t help it.

Sexual health — and particularly safer sex skills — are key considerations in any relationship or connections that involve sexual contact. This is true even for monogamous relationships (because most of them are only ostensibly, not actually, monogamous) as well as for nonmonogamous relationships and more casual encounters. And fluid bonding (having barrier-free sex) can significantly increase most serious STI risks — if you don’t handle it consciously at all times.

Fluid bonding is not something that anyone should embark upon cavalierly or by default, not even monogamous people — not if they care about their own health and that of their partners.

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Rape Culture

I’ve heard the term rape culture being tossed around, and though I tended to agree with the sentiments around it, it was never one of my top issues. It is now.

I was raped a couple times by my high school boyfriend, but he was a complete jerk, and I always thought it was just him. After that, I trusted myself to say no when I meant it. It became instinctive for me to set soft boundaries so that it would be easier to prevent guys from pushing the hard limits.

The fist guy I met from OkCupid was great. After a long date, I invited him into my apartment, simply to continue the conversation because it was cold outside. The second date, I went to his place and we watched a movie with his arm around my shoulder. We didn’t even kiss until the end of the second date. The next few guys I met pushed soft boundaries, but were respectful of my hard limits. Some actively confirmed consent continually when they knew they were in boundary waters.

Last night, I went on a date with my 5th guy from OkCupid. Though this isn’t perhaps recommended, we did go to my or their place on every single one of those first dates. This one was different. I guess I was less clear up front that I was not willing to have sex, and would really rather keep it a few steps away from there on the first date, until we could have the full safe sex talk/agreement, and I could discuss it with my other partner(s). I probably should have spent more than an hour at the coffee shop before I agreed to watch YouTube at his place. But that’s the point. It shouldn’t have to be agreed on ahead of time! No means no. Period.

We went over to his place, and within 1.5 YouTube videos, he was making out with me. By the end of the second video, he had my shirt off. When he started taking off my skirt, I told him no. I told him no multiple times, but eventually he got it off of me anyway. Same story with a couple more steps. He literally reached into his drawer, grabbed a condom AND OPENED IT. I had to grab it out of his hand and throw it across the room in order for him to get the message. Sex. Is. Not. Happening. I was not aroused, I was not having fun. But I couldn’t keep him off of me. It was all I could do to keep his dick out of my mouth! I said I don’t have sex until at least the second date. He said, “Let’s have dinner. That will be our second date. Then we can have sex.” NO! He said, “Why do you have rules? Rules are to be broken!” Are you fucking serious?

He’s new to poly (though I’m doubtful he will continue poly now that he will never be seeing me again), so over coffee, I explained the importance of communication and negotiation. I didn’t go into detail on boundaries, but I talked about dealing with jealousy and trust. Yet I couldn’t trust you enough to sit on your couch and watch two YouTube videos without taking off my shirt?!

I know I’m in a unique position, being poly, a sex educator, and a volunteer for Planned Parenthood, but it just completely boggles my mind that so many people are ok with having sex without even mentioning STI status. While condoms protect almost completely against HIV, they are only 70% effective against HPV and barely effective at all against herpes. How has our culture come to a point where this isn’t COMPLETELY intolerable behavior?

Poly Rebounding

Is rebounding a thing in polyamory?

One of my best friends just went through a breakup, and even though he has mutual attraction with someone else, he wants to wait until he’s more over his ex before he starts this new relationship.

I have gone through periods of rebounding; I broke up with someone or otherwise had some sort of heartbreak, and then chased every sexy thing I could find. However, I don’t see how that is really a bad thing (in fact, one could potentially classify my boyfriend as one of my rebounds in a matter of speaking)..

Polyamorists believe that love shouldn’t be restricted. While breakups can definitely suck, and can sometimes indeed put you in a frame of mind where it is unlikely any relationship would work until you are a bit more emotionally recovered, these are not really “typical” breakups.

It is commonly said in the monogamous world that you shouldn’t date someone who is freshly out of a relationship. I really don’t understand this. While there is a possibility that it may be more likely that a person freshly out of a relationship is more likely to only want a casual relationship, and the other person wants something more serious; this is merely a bad match. In a good relationship, poly or otherwise, these expectations should be discussed, rather than discovered in a blowup that makes one or both parties forever avoid “rebound” relationships.

It is very nice to have someone to cuddle with after you go through a breakup, whether or not that person has been there for you all along.

What do you think? Is rebounding real? Should it be avoided?

Catholic Conversation

Recently, I had dinner with a friend of mine from college, who is Catholic, and about as different from me as possible.

I am atheist, not sure I ever want to get married, and just about positive I never want kids. She’s a very devout Catholic, married, pregnant with her first of probably many children, and very happy about the whole situation. And that’s only the tip of the iceberg.

After not having any contact whatsoever in the 3 years since college, we met at an abortion protest – on opposite sides of the fence. We exchanged contact info before we were told to split apart; the opposing sides weren’t supposed to engage in conversation.

She plans to use a fertility awareness method of birth control. While this method does provide a very intense state of awareness of your body, it has the obvious downside of not allowing you to have sex any time you want (which she claims is a good thing), and takes time and effort to take daily records. She disapproves of hormonal birth control, even used primarily as a means to reduce menstrual cramping.

When she commented that birth control pills are inconvenient to take every day, as attested to by her friend, I replied that I agreed; and that I chose the IUD instead, which made my cramps completely disappear, and lets me have sex whenever I want to, without worrying about getting pregnant (though safe sex is another issue).

She spent most of the evening talking about how excited she is about her soon-to-be-born baby. When I said that I don’t know many people [my age] with kids, her husband chimed in, “that’s because you hang out with Planned Parenthood people.” (And everyone knows, Planned Parenthood people love killing babies and stuff). Hmm…yet somehow I don’t think any of my friends have had abortions, they just don’t want kids yet. It feels really weird to me for people my age to have kids already. I suppose I’m responsible enough now that I want to get a cat…I just have absolutely no desire for a baby.

When I told her that my boyfriend was married, she said, “that’s too bad.” Hah. If I made a pro/con list, I actually think I’d end up with a longer list of pros…though I don’t really have any intention of actually making that list. I love him, that’s all that matters. 😀 They didn’t really say much about polyamory; they mainly just talked about how the prevalence of divorce is hurting society. I don’t think anyone would disagree with that, but I do think sex negativity and a mono-centric society is at least partially responsible for the high divorce rate.

We disagree on birth control, gay marriage, marriage, family styles, and more…yet are still capable of being friends.

Most Adorable Poly Blog

Most Adorable Poly Blog

I just discovered this poly cartoon blog, which is absolutely adorable! I can identify with almost all of the posts, and they’re just overall spot-on cartoons about poly! 😀

Poly Means You Have A Fall Back/Breakups Suck

Many mono people think that this is true. I suppose in a way it is…you still have someone you can bring to the wedding as your date. But in reality, each relationship is unique and special. Each of my relationships is valuable to me in its own way. It still sucks when relationships end…

Since February, I’ve gone through 7 breakups. Ok, fine, most of these weren’t really “breakups” per se; there was a very wide range of experiences and situations. 2 were my choice, 3 were not my choice, 2 were more or less mutual.

Only one resulted in tears, and I was lucky enough to have my boyfriend to hold me for the hour afterward. While some were harder than others, I do actually think it was easier for me living through these breakups while I had my boyfriend around. In some cases, I went to him for support, but most of the time, it simply made me feel less alone. If I were mono dating, looking for my one and only, it would probably be much harder to go through these breakups. However, I knew none of these guys would be even a “primary” much less an “only,” and I’m sure that made it easier.

Ending of long-term serious loving relationships is especially hard, and in that case, I really don’t think your other lovers are thought of as “fall-backs” but merely as pillars of support, just like friends would be. However, in the case of dating, I do believe that having at least one continuous loving partner makes it easier to stay optimistic when the dating gets rough. I still think I’m going to take a bit of a break from dating so many people, because 7 rejections/breakups have indeed taken its toll. However, once I spend a little more time catching up on “me,” I’ll get back in the saddle, with my boyfriend by my side.

Queer

I’ve noticed a lot of blogs lately talking about how poly people identifying as “queer” is wrong, and that they should not equate themselves with the LGBT community, since LGBT people have suffered so much more than poly people ever have, e.g. LGBT people have been killed, but poly people “only” have gotten their children taken away.

I don’t actively consider myself “queer” for being poly, but I do sort of like that label.

However, I do have a problem with people saying that poly is more acceptable than LGBT. When I came out to my mom, she said she’d wished I’d come out as lesbian, as it would have been a lot easier to deal with. Other poly people I know got the same reaction when they came out to their parents.

I’ll admit that it’s easier to hide as a straight poly person than as a gay or lesbian. I can bring my boyfriend as a date, and if he takes off his ring, it looks like we’re completely normal. I have yet to really be in the situation where bringing more than one date would be appropriate (given interest/availability of my partners), but in that scenario, it would be perhaps similar to being gay or lesbian.

The point is though, I DON’T WANT TO HIDE! I just got a new job, and I’m 99% sure that they’d be cool with my being poly, but I don’t want to come out too soon. Today, we were talking about sleep habits and whatnot. I mentioned that I tend to wake up when my boyfriend rolls over in bed. I later told them about “another….guy….I know”‘s experience with his iPhone app tracking his sleep cycles. I don’t know why I feel strange calling him my “friend,” but I do. I wanted to continue the story, something about sleeping in the same bed with him, but I didn’t want to portray him as an ex either. I ended up mainly talking about the app, not about any particular sleep habits.

Gay marriage was legalized in Minnesota today, and though I’m not necessarily for legalization of polyamory, I think it still has a long way to go until it reaches the cultural acceptance as homosexuality.

I don’t mean this to be a whiney rant, but at least in my experience, it’s much more normal to see two men kissing, than a triad acting obvious in public.

Book Club

I just joined a book club, and I have to say, it’s got to be one of the best book clubs around. My local Planned Parenthood hosts a book club, and we just finished reading Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex by Mary Roach. Though I admittedly still have yet to finish the book, since I’m still digging myself out of the hole of things left undone in the past few months, it is a very enthralling read. There are some things that make you squirm (some people have legitimately had urethra sex), some things that make you laugh out loud (studies about ridiculous ways to make women more orgasmic), and some things that make you wish you were a scientist (or friends with one) (people having sex in an MRI). It is definitely near the top of my favorite books list. You will walk away with an enormous amount of sexual trivia to stun your friends.

At the book club meeting, we got rather sidetracked, as the most talkative woman didn’t actually read the book. Somehow we got talking about online dating. The general consensus was that online dating is ridiculous, and something reserved for desperate people. I had to speak up, so I said that I met my boyfriend on OkCupid. I explained how it works, and how it facilitates making a good match through asking questions about every aspect of life. We were around a 98% match, and I knew quite a bit about him from his profile before we met. The other people at book club asked what we talked about on our first date if we already knew all about each other. I told them we talked about our sexual histories. Their jaws literally dropped. Yeah, I’ve got the best boyfriend ever. 😀

That also made me think about numbers. Only 8 months ago, I was nervous to ask the guy I was seeing how many people he’d slept with. I didn’t know if it was acceptable or not to ask, I didn’t know if he would lie. I had a vague idea of his history, but really didn’t know how many. I worried about asking him, wondering what he’d think of me. Since, however, I’ve gotten into the habit of asking everyone. I want to know numbers and potential recent high-risk behaviors. I want to know experience and likes and dislikes. None of these answers will necessarily prove vetoable, I just feel that I am entitled to know before I have sex with anyone. This may not fit into mainstream sex culture, but it is my way of doing things, and my way of promoting sex positivity, even if it’s just within a small circle of people.