I’ve identified as poly for about four months now. For the first two months, I was really busy. I was going through intense NRE with my boyfriend, and didn’t set aside time for anyone but him. When I reconnected again with my secondary, I was becoming less busy. I have never been satisfied with life if I’m not busy, but I began having fewer outside pressures on my time. I began filling my time more with my “harem.” I began pursuing a new man. Even though all of my “sweeties” also have busy lives, I am usually able to see at least one on any given day. My live has become busy with polyamory!
My friend introduced me to The Five Love Languages last summer. At first I was doubtful, but after taking the text a few times and reflecting on it, I realized that it really is quite true. My primary love language is touch. In fact, it’s practically my only love language. Words of Affection and Quality Time are important, but neither carries much weight at all without an accompanying touch. To me, it feels like time together is wasted if we’re not touching.
It’s common knowledge among my friends and lovers that I’m a raging hornball. However, as I’ve explained to some of my lovers, I’m really not as addicted to sex as I am to touch. While both are important, touch wins. Obviously I wouldn’t want to live without sex, but I could. I know how to be erotic without sex. I think there is nothing in the world better than a perfect cuddlefest.
When I was younger, I would stress out about sexual encounters; I wouldn’t want to be pushed beyond my limits; I’d hope he liked me and that I didn’t disappoint. Somehow, I learned to be confident. I always (now it’s less of a big deal, but it’s still instinctive) decide how far I’ll go physically on any given date with any given person. I act within my boundaries. I am fairly confident in saying no, and I’m very confident in saying yes. I am confident in my abilities and through my confidence, I am able to be fully present and relaxed in the moment, both with new partners and old.
As I have been spending increasing amounts of time with my poly lovers, Love has become even more of My Drug. With only rare exceptions, I am completely relaxed when I’m cuddling with a partner. My mind often goes nearly completely empty. In this relaxation, I am able to absorb the physical comfort like a sponge that makes everything feel just perfect. This relaxation can continue for a few hours after we part, but when “real life” takes over, life can get stressful again. Even though I generally handle stress quite well, I’ve found an outlet that never ceases to rid me of the stresses of everyday life. I’ve gotten hooked. Poly is my favorite pastime. It is my drug. I love my lovers!
As a monogamist, I was never really known to fantasize about anyone else while I was having sex (or cuddling for that matter). As a polyamorist, I have done that from time to time, but only when NRE or other good emotions were running especially high in another relationship. The vast majority of the time, I am fully present in the moment with the partner I am with. This was discussed on Poly Weekly a couple times when Minx praised Lusty Guy for having the ability to be 100% with the partner he’s with. Earlier on PW, Grey Dancer said he didn’t have that ability, and said it was an unreasonable expectation; that both of his lovers are important to him, and he can’t not think about either of them at any given moment. While I agree with both sentiments, I’ve begun to focus on feeling in the moment, with the lover I’m with at the moment – Love The One You’re With. There’s plenty of time when you’re alone or with your other partners to focus your attention on them, why waste your energy not being fully present with the one you’re with?