I love talking about sex. No matter what the situation is…I’ll probably come up with some way to turn the conversation to sex, and sometime I really have to filter myself to avoid talking about sex! Sometimes, this leads guys to the impression that I’m easy and always DTF. Sometimes I am, but I’m generally less easy than people think. However, I’m generally confident in my ability to avoid sex with someone I’m not interested in, so I talk openly about sex with friends, acquaintances and strangers alike!
The best sex conversations though are with your sex partners. Apparently, it is not at all normal to talk about sex within your relationship. I’ve always talked about sex with the guys I’ve been in relationships with, even in high school. I’ve definitely found that it improves the sex, especially in long-distance relationships, that when you finally are able to meet in person, you know exactly what the other likes! However, no matter how it may or may not effect the quality of the sex, it is totally an aphrodisiac!
I recently read a post about what vanilla people can learn about communication from kinky people from Lily Lloyd on Solo Poly
- The weirdest thing kinky people do is they talk about sex before they have it. In mainstream culture, people assume this ruins the surprise of sex, that it’s not romantic. Or that negotiating clearly about sex is some politically correct conspiracy to prevent them from having have any fun. People hate relationship discussions when they’re always arguments. But let me tell you: Texting about sex 11am at at work is really fun! My husband and I spend time discussing how to prepare for elaborate scenes. But we aren’t just talking about sex — we’re discussing our relationship in a way monogamous people often don’t do.
Though I never really do “elaborate scenes,” even just talking about positions or other tricks can be especially exhillarating. I like to be thinking about sex as often as possible, and constant communication about sex doesn’t just increase anticipation for the next sexy encounter, it also often improves it by opening a line of communication for easy discussion of preferences.
- People often treat monogamy as a set-it-and-forget-it relationship option. That’s why they often don’t talk about sex until they have problems. In contrast, we talk about what we want to have happen, not just what we don’t like or don’t want to happen.
This seems completely riddiculous to me. Why would you hesitate to communicate about what you like and don’t like, all the time? This also relates to the movement of active consent, known as Yes Means Yes
, which I learned about from Poly Weekly
. While like Minx, there are certain acts for which I do not like to have my partner ask me for consent in the moment: If I were to ever not want it, I would say so, but otherwise, I prefer them to go straight ahead. Other acts, however, I really like active consent, and do tend to confirm active consent when I am the one initiating.
I definitely agree with Aggie on Solo Poly about communication and safer sex:
- Best of all, doing and talking about safer sex is totally hot and fun. As sex blogger Lily Lloyd recently told me: “The weirdest thing kinky people do is they talk about sex before they have it.” Same goes for most poly people — since we don’t assume exclusivity, most of us feel honor-bound to discuss sexual boundaries and safety clearly. As well as desires. Definitely desires.