When I tell people about polyamory, they often have concerns about jealousy, which they may or may not voice. However, when I tell them that time with my boyfriend is limited, not specifically due to his being busy, but mainly due to limitations set by his wife, people are amazed that I’m not completely jealous. While obviously I would like as much time with him as possible, the fact that his wife is the reason that our time is restricted is rather irrelevant to me. It is exactly the same as if he were busy with hobbies or work.
- But is not the same thing true if this time and attention is a romantic relationship? Does the reason behind some loss of time and attention matter more than the fact that you’ve lost the time and attention? And generally, I think in any relationship, monogamous or polyamorous, it’s more constructive to tell your partner what you need in terms that stand on their own, rather than in relative terms; “I need more time from you” is better than “I need you to spend less time at work” or “I need you to spend less time on your model trains” or “I need you to spend less time with Lisa.”